The Commish's Desk

noreply@blogger.com (ToddCommish) — Thu, 20 Aug 2009 20:41:00 +0000

One thing that I have learned about blogging. Since your past posts are archived, you can go back to previous posts, and re-read some amazingly prescient posts.

From August 6 of LAST year...

A Grim Favre Tale...
Once upon a time, there was a little girl named Brett.
Brett was a spoiled little girl, but well-liked by the dairy farmers and
hayseeds in her town. She brought the town some notoriety with her cake-making
skills. Although she occasionally blew up the kitchen with some bad ideas, she
also made some amazing cakes and had actually won an trophy… once.

And
the town leaders overlooked all of Brett’s faults because of that ONE award,
despite all of the blow-ups. One day, Brett decided that she had made enough
cakes, and wanted to retire. The town leaders threw a big gala in her honor and
gave Brett a key to the city and a parade. Another baker was brought in to make
cakes. There was peace.

But people kept whispering in Brett’s ear “You
can still make cakes”. Brett heard those whispers and believed. So, months
later, the town leadership was rocked when Brett announced “I can still make
cakes. I want to go to VikingLand to make cakes.”

But the town leaders
said “VikingLand is our sworn enemy. You cannot go to VikingLand unless we allow
it. And we will not allow it.”

Brett said, “Well, if you will not allow
it, I want to make cakes again here.”

“But we’ve already replaced you.
There is no room for two cake-makers in our town”

“I wish to challenge
the new cake-maker to a duel then. Then you will see that I am the superior
cake-maker.”

“We do not care if you might be slightly better now. We are
thinking of the future of our town. And this cake-maker will be here for many
years. You will just leave the next time you feel tired.”

Brett began to
cry. Some of the dairy farmers became angry at the town leaders. “We can still
have one more year of Brett’s cakes!”, they argued.

“Suppose Brett blows
up the kitchen and makes no good cakes? We will have wasted our new baker for
nothing. No, Brett should stay retired.”

But Brett was not only a
spoiled little girl, she was also a vindictive psycho bitch. She went to the
good(ell) king of the entire territory to plead her case. “I am more famous than
the other baker. I have brought much gold into this territory. Make them let me
go to VikingLand!”

The king looked at Brett from behind his piles and
piles of gold. “Yes, you have brought much gold into this territory. However,
you overestimate your value because we would have had this gold anyway. I can
only force them to keep you, but I cannot dictate what else they do with you.”

“Then do it! I can still make cakes! I will show them!”

So the
king told the town they must allow Brett to share the bakery. But the town
leaders were smart, much smarter than Brett. They told Brett that he would only
get leftover flour, old pans, and whatever scraps of frosting he could find to
make his cakes. “You cannot make good cakes if we do not allow you. You betrayed
our trust by demanding a trip to VikingLand, and for that, you will pay.”

Brett began to cry again. By now, even the dairy farmers were weary of
Brett’s tears. “Go to the Bay of Tampa. Or the town of York. We no longer
care.”Brett did not understand. “I am a great cake-maker! The Earl of Madden
proclaimed me as the greatest cake-maker ever!”

The dairy farmers
snorted their disgust. “The Earl of Madden is a corpulent fool. You have only
won ONE cake-making trophy, and that was many years ago. Since that trophy, you
have blown up more kitchens than you have baked cakes. Your time has passed.”

And so it was that Brett, once the pride of the town, was dispatched to
the town of York to make cakes... York was ecstatic because they had not had a
good baker for many years. The town was ecstatic because they kept their young
baker. The scribes were happy because Brett was still making cakes or blowing up
kitchens. The only unhappy person was Brett, who wished she had stayed retired.

The saga continues, as the rotting corpse of Brett Favre signs with the Vikings, further ruining whatever legacy he may have had. Remember, he won as many Super Bowls as Mark Rypien and Trent Dilfer. He threw more interceptions than anyone in NFL history. His main claim to fame at this stage is the dogged man-love from John Madden.

And I can't even blame him. The Vikings are paying him $25 MILLION BUCKS to throw for 15 TDs and 20 INTs. Hell, I'd take some snaps for that kind of coin.

noreply@blogger.com (ToddCommish) — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 00:58:00 +0000

If you're the first paramedic on the scene at Jacko's house, what do you do after you kick the naked, crying Cub Scout troop out of the room?

a) Start filling a pillowcase with memorabilia and get a Craigslist account?
b) Start snapping photos and start a tabloid bidding war?
c) Perform CPR on the hideously deformed child molester?
d) Call Mary Kate Olsen and tell her to pick up her prescription drugs
e) Check his pockets for loose change
f) Tiptoe out and pretend your radio is broken

Even monkeys learn from mistakes...

noreply@blogger.com (ToddCommish) — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 19:13:00 +0000

Softball season starts tonight. Or as MrsCommish calls it, “Countdown until Todd’s next catastrophic injury because he still thinks he’s in his 20’s even though he’s in his mid-40’s” Let’s recap the past three softball seasons, shall we?

2006 – After tweaking my left shoulder careening down a waterslide at 40 mph during our Arizona vacation, I caused more permanent damage by diving for a ground ball going up the middle. Oh sure, it was a spectacular play to dive to my left, snare a ground ball, and roll over and blindly flip the ball to the 2nd baseman for a forceout. But it almost certainly led to a shoulder impingement and two months of physical therapy (which didn’t stop me from playing out the year).

2007 – I was on third base with one out, and the batter chopped a ground ball to the shortstop, who looked me back to the base, and threw to first. As soon as he turned to throw, I broke for home. As I’m crossing the plate, someone whacked me on the back of the leg with a hockey stick… or so I thought. Everyone in the stands, including Laurie, thought I was diving across the plate, and cheered my hustle. Meanwhile, I was laying in a crumpled mass against the backstop, grabbing my hamstring, and yelling in pain. Pulled hamstring, out two weeks, attempted a premature comeback, out four more weeks.

2008 – I was in left-center this time (slow-pitch softball has interesting defensive configurations). Pop-up behind the second base bag, I came barreling down, and slid along the grass with my left leg extended and my right leg tucked under my left knee. As I made the catch, I realized that my left leg had stuck in the grass about two feet behind me, and my left knee had made a horrible popping sound. I flipped the ball to the infield, and, as Trevor put it, “rolled from left field to right field”, screaming in pain. Honestly, I KNEW I had blown my knee. The popping sound was a dead giveaway. But, being a good team player and complete asshat, I finished the game anyway.

No major swelling, but after some Internet research, I self-diagnosed a torn meniscus, and after an MRI confirmed my incredibly accurate diagnosis, I went to see an orthopedic surgeon, who recommended surgery to repair the meniscus (of course he recommended surgery… he’s a SURGEON). So, I scheduled the surgery a week later, and a couple of days prior to the operation date, I got a call from the doctor’s office. “Dr. X won’t be able to do your surgery, would you like to reschedule with another doctor?” “Uh, what happened with Dr. X?” “Oh, he had a heart attack. He won’t come back to work for a couple of months.” Lovely.

The next doctor was apparently not as cut-happy, and told me that surgery might not be necessary, and signed me up for physical therapy; like, THREE MONTHS of physical therapy. But the knee responded, and I managed to avoid the knife.

And I’m going back out there tonight. Stay tuned for further medical bulletins.

Golden Globes

noreply@blogger.com (ToddCommish) — Mon, 12 Jan 2009 18:50:00 +0000

Some quick post-Golden Globes thoughts:

You KNOW I hate the Golden Globes, so I couldn’t let the most recent abomination pass without some commentary. OTOH, Wifey lurves the Globes, so this made for an interesting night in front of the new HDTV.

- Hollywood (liberal) + Foreign (liberal) + Press (liberal) = painfully, predictably LIBERAL

- Anytime “30 Rock” was up for an award, it would win. Not because it’s any better than any other show, but because the Hollywood Foreign Press wants people to watch it. Seriously, if it was really good, it wouldn’t be the 7634th rated show.

- And, Tina Fey, try to get it through your overrated, scarred Tootsie Pop of a head; with the slavish adulation of your peers and the liberal media, comes unwanted, unwelcome attention from people who don’t think you deserve it. If you can’t hack it, go back to Weekend Update, and the anonymity that came with it.

- Ricky Gervais was just what was needed. A person who didn’t take himself or the entire bloated extravaganza seriously. “Kate… didn’t I tell you that if you do a Holocaust film, the awards would come?” Priceless.

- Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie really need to take their posse of Cambodian slaves refugees, and go away. We know you think you’re very important. We know you think you’re changing the world. We get it. Now go away.

- Tight buns in dresses = good. Tight buns in hair = not so good. Maybe some of the older women are using the hair buns to pull wrinkles tight, but it looks like they’re all ready to split their facial skin like Vincent d’Onofrio in Men in Black.

- Is Shirley MacLaine still alive? After seeing her in the audience, I’d have to say “No”.

- Heath Ledger’s victory was as predictable as “30 Rock”. Uh, he WAS excellent in “The Dark Knight”, and probably deserved the award. But to claim he had a “legacy” or an “incredible place in the history of cinema” was overstating his accomplishments by, I dunno, a ZILLION-FOLD. Unless, of course, you consider stupid, irresponsible use of prescription drugs and alcohol to be “incredible”. Most actors consider that “Saturday”. Hell, Mickey Rourke considers that "lunch".

noreply@blogger.com (ToddCommish) — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 18:42:00 +0000

Odd that nobody seems to be talking about this latest fiasco from our completely corrupt and financially incompetent friends in Congress led by the botox-riddled corpse of Nancy Pelosi.

Another bailout. Except this isn’t for an important part of the financial infrastructure, nor is it for an industry that has been over-regulated by Congressional acts and presidential ineptitude. NO, this is purely as a political favor for the U.S. automakers; a group that has long resisted modernization, demanded protection from better managed foreign companies, and continually pumped out inferior products.

This will be an interesting test of the nascent Obama presidency. Clearly, the Pelosi-led Democrats are floating this bailout balloon to see how Obama reacts. If he’s going to be a presidential ATM for Congress, he’ll approve it without a second look. If he’s going to start out to be a slave to the polls, he’ll bide his time and make non-committal public statements about “looking into the issue”. Or if he might say “Enough is enough” and squelch this obvious political kickback.

I find it difficult to believe that anyone outside of Michigan or Capitol Hill actually thinks this bailout proposal is a good idea. Obama is around my age, so he surely remembers when the Japanese car manufacturers squeezed into the US market and quickly proved how archaic and antiquated American car manufacturers really were. Toyota, Datsun/Nissan, and Honda cars were better, more reliable, and more economical than the dinosaurs produced in Detroit.

Rather than actually IMPROVING their cars, the US automakers have long argued for protection from the Japanese in the form of tariffs. Consumers can see through this and have been willing to pay a premium for the better cars. But now Congress is not considering tariffs, they’re actually considering just a straight, no-strings-attached, taxpayer-funded DONATION to these corporate troglodytes.

Kind of a nice perk, don’t you think?. Run an entire industry into the ground with decades of incompetence and get a big check from the taxpayers.

Listen, I can understand propping up the banking industry. We don’t want a run on the banks to expose the fact that our currency is essentially an illusion. We don’t want the world economy to come to a screeching halt because the dollar collapses. I got that when I took Macroeconomics in my freshman year. Plus, a lot of the problems can be attributed to some government programs that failed. Fine, I GET IT.

But Ford, GM, and Chrysler? Those are businesses that could disappear TODAY and have no effect on the worldwide economy. People would just buy Toyotas and Nissans and Hyundais and Hondas and Mercedes and Volvos and Saabs and BMWs . Pretty much like we’ve been doing for the last 30 years.

Nancy Pelosi must be stopped! And Obama will hopefully be the guy who stops her.

noreply@blogger.com (ToddCommish) — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 00:11:00 +0000

OK, now that the dust is settling on the election and the media is already cooling on their anointed one, I’m ready to give the President-elect a chance to prove that he won’t be a socialist lapdog for Nancy Pelosi. But other matters are more pressing than even our faltering economy.

The Russians are already posturing with new weapons.

Israel and Palestine have already abandoned the cease-fire.

Kim Jong-Il might be dying. And dying insane dictators with nuclear ambitions tend to want to go out with a bang.

All you Americans that thought the economy was going to be the biggest problem for Obama were wrong. It’s international relationships, whether the “war on terror” or the new Cold War or the perpetual unrest in the Middle East or the rapidly deteriorating situation in China and Korea.

These are life and death.

The economy is just fucking money. Comparatively, no big deal.

There are already rumors that John Kerry is politicking to become Secretary of State. Oh, good lord, don’t let it happen. I would rather see Bill Clinton get the job. Granted, he might take huge bribes, er, speaking fees for each appearance, but at least he wouldn’t be laughed at for being a complete douche. Do even Democrats consider Kerry to be a suitable representative of the country at this point?

Put Colin Powell in. Now. Gain whatever international cred we lost during the Bush years.

The economy can wait. Seriously.

noreply@blogger.com (ToddCommish) — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 18:50:00 +0000

Welcome to Day One of the Welfare States of America!

Now that the American people have overwhelmingly shouted their love of government financing for everything and handouts to the ineffectual and useless, it’s time to put down our cardboard signs asking for food and/or money… and celebrate!

Once again, my fundamental faith in the stupidity of the American voter has been proven to be gospel as the media-worshipping sheep successfully voted in a Senator who has accomplished absolutely nothing in his two years of active Senate service, except for publishing two autobiographies.

Congratulations to the Obama machine, CNN, CBS, CNBC, ABC, and all of Europe. The media’s unprecedented adoration of your candidate resulted in the most lopsided media coverage since… well, ever. And we all learned another fundamental truth about the American people: they will believe what they see on television. And this might ultimately be the lesson that the world takes from this debacle.

"When the people find they can vote themselves money, that will herald the end of the republic." – Ben Franklin

Other thoughts on this post-election day:

o Sun came up… check. I’m relatively healthy… check. Wife and kids are healthy… check. Work sucks… check. Life goes on.

o OK, like I said before, I really don’t care if gays get married, but the law is the law. Gay marriage has been voted down TWICE in California, of all states! Take a hint, people.

o The amazing thing is that Proposition 8 lost in a state where Obama completely obliterated McCain 61%-37%. Even if one assumes that every single McCain vote = a “Yes” vote, that means about a quarter of the Obama supporters joined them in voting against gay marriage. Think about that. Oh, and I know at least one person who voted for McCain and against Prop 8.

o Equally amazing is the overwhelming success of Prop 2, what I call the Chicken Liberation Act. Apparently, chickens and pigs in California felt neglected and cramped in their cages before they were slaughtered to make delicious KFC buckets and yummy bacon slabs. So, in an appeal to the bleeding hearts, pictures of chickens in itty-bitty cages were shown as evidence of the cruelty towards our future meals, and it worked.

Now, here’s where it becomes pretty clear that these liberal whiners don’t think things through. What do you think will happen to those chickens now? Do you think that the chicken and livestock farmers will suddenly spring for chicken condos and pig apartments to follow the law? Or do you think they’ll just pack up their undersized coops and pigsties and mosey on over to a less humane state? One thing for sure, the price of those whole fryers just got a whole lot higher. And not one single chicken was spared. Imagine that.

o Last night on HBO, I watched a documentary about the US Olympic Hockey team’s transcendent Gold Medal victory in 1980. They pointed out just how far down America was during the financially disastrous Carter administration with double-digit unemployment, double-digit inflation, the Iranian hostage crisis, the Cold War, and a nationwide malaise. And they pointed out how this scrappy band of hockey unknowns was needed to raise the spirits of an entire nation by beating our mortal enemy of the time, and the best hockey team in the world, the USSR.

So, watch out for the US Diving Team against the Chinese in 2012!!

o Nancy Pelosi won her seat in the House of Representatives. Considering she oversaw the biggest financial collapse in 80 years, her re-election shouldn’t have been so easy, but San Francisco liberals are funny that way.

o Al Franken is neck-and-neck in Minnesota to be elected to the Senate. HHH, Mondale, Jesse the Body, and now Al Franken? What…, was Joe Piscopo busy?

o Just so you know, I received at least two write-in votes for Vice-President.

Answer me this...

noreply@blogger.com (ToddCommish) — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 19:12:00 +0000

OK, I'm just going to say this one more time.

George W. Bush has not been a very good president and probably deserves most of his bad press and dismal approval ratings.

Congress has also been abysmal and deserves their bad press and dismal approval ratings.

Why would people re-elect their liberal (and conservative) Congresspeople then? Shouldn't the House flip over completely?

And why in God's name would people want to elect a rubber-stamp Presidential/Congressional pairing when nobody likes Congress to begin with?

Whatever happened to checks and balances?

Anyone who votes for an incumbent Congressperson and Barack Obama is an idiot. If you think the economy was FUBAR under Bush (and it was), it'll be 1,000 worse with a spend-happy Congress and a liberal rubber-stamp President.

If all of the rhetoric about "change" was legitimate, there's no way in hell you should be re-electing the Pelosi's and Frank's of the world. In other words, anyone who votes for Obama in the name of change, and still votes to re-elect their incumbent (whether liberal or conservative) is a hypocrite and/or an idiot.

noreply@blogger.com (ToddCommish) — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 21:11:00 +0000

Regardless of your political affiliation, this pic is awesome!

noreply@blogger.com (ToddCommish) — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 15:52:00 +0000

You are Temperance

Time. Ages. Transformation. Involuntary change

Temperance is another card of aspiration, but also of much change. It often
represents complex situations. Positively, you can harmonize contrary
forces.

Temperance is, on a surface level, about "tempering." The original pouring from cup to cup might have been about cutting wine with water. So this is a card about moderation. There is, however, another angle to the card, that of merging seemingly impossible opposites. Sagittarius, the centaur, merges beast and man into a unique creature. And then there is the bow and arrow, one moving, one stationary, working together to point the way. Temperance may be, at first glance, a warning for you to "temper" your behavior, to cut your wine with water. But it may also be a reminder to that seemingly irreconcilable opposites may not be irreconcilable at all. Belief that fiery red and watery blue cannot be merged may be the only thing standing in the way of blending the two. Change the belief, measure out each with care, and you can create otherworldly violet.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Uh, if anyone can explain WTF this means, let me know... I guess I'm not spiritual enough.

noreply@blogger.com (ToddCommish) — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 22:25:00 +0000

A friend and I were discussing the liberal leanings of the entertainment industry, and guessing WHY so many celebrities and musicians are so adamantly left-wing, way farther left than pretty much any other subgroup in the general population.

“Hollywood is make-believe. They have no idea what the real world is like.” was his hypothesis. This probably has some validity, though most of these people spent at least SOME time as middle-class scrubs while they were trying to break into the glitz and glamour of celebrity.

I think it’s much more simplistic. They’re just plain stupid. They trumpet change from their limousines and their mansions in Bel Air. They spout liberal aphorisms about feeding the hungry and clothing the poor during their concerts with $400 front row seats and $1M gate receipts.

THEY JUST DON’T GET IT.

While they’re cashing their $10M check for their latest musical abomination in their Bahamian bank account (the better to avoid paying taxes), they’re complaining about John McCain and Sarah Palin using their songs during a commercial or considering coming to their concert.

Take all the money Barbra Streisand, Madonna, and the Dixie Chicks (and a whole bunch of anti-American rappers) pocket each year, and you could end starvation in this country by the end of the month. If you could pry it out of their hypocritically clenched little fists…

So, besides overt stupidity, why tout the Democratic party line? Is it noblesse oblige? [if you don’t know what it is, look it up] You might think so, if you attributed any sense of morals to any of these people. Clearly, Madonna doesn’t fall under this umbrella, since her morals are somewhere left of Sodom. Even Barbra decided to snuggle up to Bubba the Intern-Poker, so her moral compass is a little awry. No, it isn’t a moral obligation that motivates these people.

Part of me feels that some of it goes back to the Kennedy days, where Hollywood had a blatant position in the White House (that position was face down in the pillows). Even though the Kennedys likely killed Marilyn, they are still idolized as the ideal Democratic family, especially by the celebrity idiocracy. The counterculture and anti-establishment attitudes of the late sixties, popularized by the Beatles and Dylan, added to it. Even though the Democrats put us in Vietnam, if you ask the typical celebrity liberal, they’ll blame Nixon for the loss.

Now we have a brand new generation of brainless celebrity know-nothings, pumping out the ignorant vote for a completely vacant presidential candidate. Perhaps that’s it. They sense that the simplicity, idiocy, and inability to function productively in society is a trait they share with Obama, Kerry, Gore, and all the liberal candidates and concepts. Obama MUST be good, because he’s just like all of us in the entertainment industry: ignorant of national security, dishonest about relationships, undisciplined with money, ethically bankrupt, but Oprah likes us.

Yeah, that’s it.

noreply@blogger.com (ToddCommish) — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 23:06:00 +0000

Here’s something that’s been bugging me (among other things)…

OK, we all agree that GW isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed, and that the War in Iraq was ill-conceived and mostly mismanaged…

And, we all agree that this whole financial cluster fuck is a bad thing, with the banks collapsing and the stock market tanking…

But why is everyone putting the economy on Bush’s back, when it’s CONGRESS that screwed up the banking regulations and put the Community Reinvestment Act on the books? If Bush is to blame for the War in Iraq, isn’t Congress equally culpable in the financial collapse and subsequent bailout?

So… we know Bush is out of a job in January… Shouldn’t we boot EVERYONE out of Congress, including the Democratic majority? After all, the financial collapse occurred under THEIR watch. Just as much as 9/11 occurred under Bush’s watch.

Am I the only person who notices the discrepancy in how the media handles these situations?
Am I the only person who notices that the liberals are horribly inconsistent in how they place blame in the case of a crisis?

Am I the only person who asks himself rhetorical political questions?

noreply@blogger.com (ToddCommish) — Fri, 19 Sep 2008 18:04:00 +0000

Here’s a question that bears asking half the electorate:

Is the United States of America the greatest country in the world, full of freedoms and liberties and technologies and opportunities that the rest of the world envies?

If the answer is “Yes” (and it should be), why would we vote for “Change”?

It's official...

noreply@blogger.com (ToddCommish) — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 17:50:00 +0000

This is the first Vice-Presidential candidate who I'd want to nail...

Let me be the first...

noreply@blogger.com (ToddCommish) — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 16:44:00 +0000

Obama/Biden = I B A Bad Omen

Cheaters never prosper... unless they're the hosts

noreply@blogger.com (ToddCommish) — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 22:02:00 +0000

Amidst all of the hubbub and acclaim given to China for the spectacle and grandeur of the Opening Ceremonies, some disturbing trends are starting to be seen.

I sat and watched the ladies soccer match between China and Canada, doing my damnedest to find some shred of athleticism or excitement in the game. Instead, I saw a diving exhibition by the Chinese team that made Peter Forsberg look like the Great Wall. Every single time anyone made contact with a Chinese player, they threw their body to the ground and writhed like Lindsay Lohan at a pajama party. Now, soccer players diving is not news. But this was being done on such a wide scale, it was obviously part of the game plan. One would hope that a nation with over a billion people could find eleven soccer players that could finish a game without needing to resort to such flagrant attempts at cheating.

Then last night, the Chinese girls’ gymnastics team was performing. I wasn’t even aware of a minimum age limit to the gymnastics competition until the announcers mentioned it, but the Chinese girls were so obviously underaged (or grossly underdeveloped), it was a mockery. I have a thirteen year old daughter, so I probably know the age group better than most, and there is NO WAY that some of those gymnasts were even fourteen, let alone sixteen years old. My wife, who typically loves gymnastics was ranting the whole time about how the Chinese were cheating. Then the IOC inadvertently magnified the crime by saying that each one of the girls had a government-issued passport verifying their ages.

Well, as long as their government gave them a passport with a date on it, IT MUST BE TRUE!

Unless of course, that government is in the host country that is trying to show the world stage what a great place they are, and is willing to do virtually anything to make the entire Olympics a positive referendum on their totalitarian society.

At least they didn’t cheat during the Opening Ceremonies…

Unless you consider cutting to a computer-generated feed to enhance the fireworks to make the ceremonies look even bigger cheating.

So, even when the Chinese look like they got something right, they cheated.

Now I’m doubting whether that little boy with Yao really pulled other children from the rubble of their school. Or whether he just won a government sponsored “Cute kid to propagandize the world” contest.

A Grim Favre Tale...

noreply@blogger.com (ToddCommish) — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 22:52:00 +0000

Once upon a time, there was a little girl named Brett. Brett was a spoiled little girl, but well-liked by the dairy farmers and hayseeds in her town. She brought the town some notoriety with her cake-making skills. Although she occasionally blew up the kitchen with some bad ideas, she also made some amazing cakes and had actually won an trophy… once.

And the town leaders overlooked all of Brett’s faults because of that ONE award, despite all of the blow-ups.

One day, Brett decided that she had made enough cakes, and wanted to retire. The town leaders threw a big gala in her honor and gave Brett a key to the city and a parade. Another baker was brought in to make cakes. There was peace.

But people kept whispering in Brett’s ear “You can still make cakes”. Brett heard those whispers and believed. So, months later, the town leadership was rocked when Brett announced “I can still make cakes. I want to go to VikingLand to make cakes.”

But the town leaders said “VikingLand is our sworn enemy. You cannot go to VikingLand unless we allow it. And we will not allow it.”

Brett said, “Well, if you will not allow it, I want to make cakes again here.”

“But we’ve already replaced you. There is no room for two cake-makers in our town”

“I wish to challenge the new cake-maker to a duel then. Then you will see that I am the superior cake-maker.”

“We do not care if you might be slightly better now. We are thinking of the future of our town. And this cake-maker will be here for many years. You will just leave the next time you feel tired.”

Brett began to cry. Some of the dairy farmers became angry at the town leaders. “We can still have one more year of Brett’s cakes!”, they argued.

“Suppose Brett blows up the kitchen and makes no good cakes? We will have wasted our new baker for nothing. No, Brett should stay retired.”

But Brett was not only a spoiled little girl, she was also a vindictive psycho bitch. She went to the good(ell) king of the entire territory to plead her case. “I am more famous than the other baker. I have brought much gold into this territory. Make them let me go to VikingLand!”

The king looked at Brett from behind his piles and piles of gold. “Yes, you have brought much gold into this territory. However, you overestimate your value because we would have had this gold anyway. I can only force them to keep you, but I cannot dictate what else they do with you.”

“Then do it! I can still make cakes! I will show them!”

So the king told the town they must allow Brett to share the bakery. But the town leaders were smart, much smarter than Brett. They told Brett that he would only get leftover flour, old pans, and whatever scraps of frosting he could find to make his cakes. “You cannot make good cakes if we do not allow you. You betrayed our trust by demanding a trip to VikingLand, and for that, you will pay.”

Brett began to cry again. By now, even the dairy farmers were weary of Brett’s tears. “Go to the Bay of Tampa. Or the town of York. We no longer care.”

Brett did not understand. “I am a great cake-maker! The Earl of Madden proclaimed me as the greatest cake-maker ever!”

The dairy farmers snorted their disgust. “The Earl of Madden is a corpulent fool. You have only won ONE cake-making trophy, and that was many years ago. Since that trophy, you have blown up more kitchens than you have baked cakes. Your time has passed.”

And so it was that Brett, once the pride of the town, was dispatched to the town of York to make cakes... York was ecstatic because they had not had a good baker for many years. The town was ecstatic because they kept their young baker. The scribes were happy because Brett was still making cakes or blowing up kitchens. The only unhappy person was Brett, who wished she had stayed retired.

noreply@blogger.com (ToddCommish) — Sat, 02 Aug 2008 00:02:00 +0000

Michelle Wie missed the cut in a PGA men's tournament.

Michelle Wie didn't win on the LPGA tour.

The sky is blue.

Water is wet.

noreply@blogger.com (ToddCommish) — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 16:20:00 +0000

I'll wear anyone's logo on a shirt for cash.

Anyone's.

Really.

It can even be exclusive.

Just send the logo and/or shirt and the cash.

People all over will see your logo.

Money well spent. Trust me.

Bow to the Master

noreply@blogger.com (ToddCommish) — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 16:52:00 +0000

It was 1988. I was in my mid-20’s, working at a semiconductor company in the heart of Silicon Valley. I had shrewdly parlayed my marketing degree into a shitty $25K job, meting out GaAs FETs and laser diodes to companies like California Amplifier, Amplica, Scientific Atlanta, Laser Precision, and Photon Kinetics. We sold millions of these components, and I was the one passing them out every day to the deserving few.

This was the place I met the woman who would eventually consent to be my wife. But that’s not the story I’m telling right now.

It was a boom period for semiconductor companies. We were in what was called “allocation mode” which meant we had open orders for more products than our factory could produce. I might get 50,000 units of the MGF-1302-15 FET (used in amplifiers for satellites) in a given month, and 100,000 might be on backlog for our customers. I was the one who contacted the customers to determine their needs, and played God with the limited resources. Some for you, some for you, none for you, etc. You meet your production needs, your line goes down, you pay in advance, you go belly-up, etc.

I wasn’t actually the one who sent out the product, I just told our operations person who she should ship product to and when. Her name was Royce Woods. She was the one who had to sweet-talk the warehouse when we needed special packaging, she actually pulled the strings to get the stuff where it needed to go. She was (and still is) a round, friendly black woman. She loved to talk about her baby brother who was 12 or 13. Apparently, he had been winning junior golf tournaments in Southern California, and had been on TV, and blah blah blah.

I played a little golf too, though not very well, but being 24 and reasonably sure I would never have to prove it, told her to bring her brother up to Northern California, where I’d kick his ass. She laughed at me, and her brother never came and played me at the local pitch-and-putt, though apparently he continued to get better and better.

She brought him to the company Christmas party a few years later, after he had won the US Amateur two times in a row. She couldn’t wait to introduce me. “Tiger, this is Todd. He’s the guy I told you about.”

I shook his hand and he smiled that broad smile that everyone knows by now. I then stepped back and genuflected, embarrassing him, his sister, and my wife. I asked him if he was going to win three US Amateurs in a row. He smiled and said “I’ll try” before he was whisked away to schmooze with company VIPs. My wife looked at me, “I can’t believe you just did that” she said, “He seems nice.”

I nodded. He turned out all right.

I’m still waiting for someone to ask him about that idiot who embarrassed him at his sister’s company Christmas party. Good luck this week, Tiger.

Top Ten (Touring) American Idol Finalists (and odds on winning):

noreply@blogger.com (ToddCommish) — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 20:55:00 +0000

David A. (3 to 2) – Obviously the most popular singer, but in a twist from the Sanjaya-age, he actually has some singing talent. He’s extremely limited for music genres (Metal Week would be his Kryptonite), but he has a soothing melodic voice and enough teeny-bopper fans with cell phones to make it to the final three without a problem. 70/80’s equivalent – David Gates. Seriously, can’t you hear his voice singing the entire Bread catalog?

Brooke (3 to 1) – A lot of wholesome, white bread, Dharma-ish appeal here. Decent singing ability coupled with an effervescent smile and gosh-darn-golly-gee personality makes her the top female for popularity, if not actual singing ability. Folksy, friendly, and sweet get her to the final four. 70/80’s equivalent – Juice Newton. A lot have seen a similarity to Carly Simon, but I think that’s the mouth and hair more than anything. Her voice is closer to the country-stylings of Juice than the nasal rasp of Carly.

Carly (4 to 1) – Eventually, all the judges fawning over her will show up in the voting. Yes, she has a good, smooth voice. Yes, she’s a better technical singer than anyone else in the competition. No, she has no visual or stage appeal. No, those tattoos do not look attractive. No, she won’t win. No, Fantasia shouldn’t have won either, but the constant genuflecting from the judges eventually swayed the public to voting for a BAD pop singer. Carly is > Fantasia, but won’t carry the fan vote. 70/80’s equivalent – Karen Carpenter. Great range, especially the lower tones. Unless she drastically changes her look and style, might be relegated to easy listening stations.

David Cook (5 to 1) – The rest of the public is catching onto something I noticed during Beatles Week 1; this guy smirks too much at inappropriate times. He’s like a front-man for a bar-band that knows he’s gonna get laid by a groupie, and he’s already thinking about it. That smugness will cost him in a popularity contest, as will his blatant ripping-off of Daughtry’s oeuvre. 70/80’s equivalent – John Mellencougarcamp, right down to the fake scratch he puts in his voice. If Cougarcampenmell doesn’t strike you right, what about Bob Seger? Bryan Adams? Gee, I guess these guys are a dime a dozen…

Jason (8 to 1) – It’s probably just me, but I can’t stomach this guy. He’s like every 70’s cliché about the guitar-playing, hemp-wearing, dreadlocked hippie singing folk songs in a wimpy, airy head tone next to his lava lamp, with equally airy co-eds mooning doe-eyed and dreamy as the bong gets passed around the dorm room. If this guy came on the radio, you’d probably smash your car in your haste to change the station. 70/80’s equivalent – Stephen Bishop. On and on, on and on, on and onnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!

[Side note: In Animal House, Stephen Bishop is also the guitar-playing, hemp-wearing hippie that tries to sing “I gave my love a cherry…” in the Delta House when Bluto smashes his guitar into the stairwell… which is what I’ll do if Jason makes it to the final four.]

Ramiele (10 to 1) – Never underestimate the power of the Filipino vote. It got Jasmine Trias about seven spots further than she deserved. Ramiele is a wholly forgettable, sweet, doe-eyed Anime character with a voice like wind chimes. You can hear it off in the distance and you might think it sounds kinda pretty, but you’d never pay ITunes $.99 to listen to four minutes of it. 70/80’s equivalent – Yvonne Elliman. OK, so this is a bit of a reach, but a cute, Hawaiian singer with a nice voice (made her name singing “I don’t know how to love him” in Jesus Christ Superstar) and one disco hit (“If I can’t have you”). Irene Cara is too good and powerful a singer for this comparison.

Michael (10 to 1) – Never underestimate the power of the soccer mom vote. This guy is a mediocre singer who is scraping by on sex appeal and an Aussie accent. 70/80’s equivalent – Rick Springfield. This one was the easiest. Rick Springfield could sing a little, pose a lot, talk with an Aussie accent, and show his dimples. And he made millions despite the fact that NO male ever bought any of his stuff.

Syesha (15 to 1) – Probably a better singer than Ramiele, but won’t get as far unless she unleashes her inner Tina Turner. She needs to perform and not just sing the notes in a mechanical, though technically proficient way. Not really a threat to win, but might end up with a decent career singing ballads that Mariah and Whitney threw away. 70/80’s equivalent – A poor man’s Roberta Flack. A very, very poor man… OK, if Roberta Flack had just run a triathlon and went straight from the finish line to the stage….

Cheesy-Key (15 to 1) – Has a George Huff meets Urkel kind of vibe going right now. He seems to be having fun, making his performances more entertaining, but he’s rapidly turning into the black Taylor Hicks with his manic seizures on stage. Seems sincere and genuinely happy just to be in the competition despite his snowball-on-a-brightly-lit-soundstage’s chance to win. 70/80’s equivalent – Remember how Syesha is a homeless man’s Roberta Flack. Well, meet the homeless woman’s Al Green.

Kristy Lee Cook (25 to 1) – My god, how has she lasted this far?! She has a wispy, ineffectual, flat voice that only swoops when she’s countrifying notes. She’s also a cutie-pie, by far the most attractive female left, which is drawing the teenaged male vote in my house. But, this is NOT a good singer or a good performer. 70/80’s equivalent – If the 1973 “I honestly love you” Olivia Newton-John lost her vibrato and her pitch pipe and her personality, you might have this vapid a singer. Or if 1975 Marie Osmond bleached her hair, took an entire medicine cabinet of antidepressants, and sang Tammy Wynette songs after inhaling helium….

I’m reasonably sure about the top five staying intact with Ramiele’s ethnic bloc possibly squeezing her in (a la Jasmine), but the bottom four are unmistakeable. The exact order might depend on the themes (country might keep Kristy in it, Motown might keep Cheesy and/or Syesha longer, Aboriginal songs might keep Michael around).

OddsMaker.com comes through!!!!!

noreply@blogger.com (ToddCommish) — Mon, 17 Mar 2008 20:07:00 +0000

I got my paltry $200 check less than two weeks from the requested processing date, and that's accounting for the times that the post office tried to deliver the registered mail from Singapore when nobody was home. This led to some interesting discussions with Mrs. Commish about "What the hell you'd be getting from Singapore."

She also decided to launch into one of her "gambling obsession" rants, which subsided quickly when I (a) showed her the check, and (b) pointed out that if I had a "gambling obsession", I wouldn't be cashing out.

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American Idol Top 12

noreply@blogger.com (ToddCommish) — Wed, 12 Mar 2008 18:30:00 +0000

OK, so David Archuleta is cute. Or, as my 12-year old daughter says, “Soooooooo cuuuuuuuute!” He also sucked last night. Now that they’re down to 12, I can actually remember individual performances enough to blog about them (even without Tivo).

Syesha – When Ryan said she’d be singing “Got to get you into my life”, I turned to my wife and said “Watch, it’ll be the Earth, Wind, and Fire version.” Sure enough, it was… if you remove all the personality and energy of Philip Bailey. And did she think that we hadn’t heard that arrangement? C-minus

Cheesy-key/Jacuzzi – Best performance I’ve seen from him. All the energy and fun that Syesha should have had was here. But why is he dressed like Alfonso Ribeiro from “Fresh Prince”? B+

Ramiele – Bo-ring. Best line I read about her performance said she “Disney-princessed” her way through the song. I guarantee that she has a picture of Jasmine Trias in her room. The only saving grace is that the song is supposed to be a ballad, but weak choice to pick it nonetheless. C

Jason – OK, we get it. He’s “sensitive”. But despite Paula’s vicodin-slurred ramblings, he didn’t “connect” with the audience. Whether or not the little scratches and croaks are intentional or not, it ain’t singing…. It’s creaking. He sounded like Mr. Van Driessen singing “Touch a Mountain” on Beavis and Butthead. Show some range next time, you patchouli-scented hippie. C+

Carly – I’m just not on board with her. She’s got a decent voice, but she has those HIDEOUS tattoos (sorry, but I’m old school where tattoos = tainted woman) and those ghastly British fangs. Her version of “Come Together” was listenable though, just put on some freakin’ sleeves! B

David Cook – Last note aside, the best song choice out of the group. He still has a bit of a smirk when performing, which isn’t a horrible thing, but when singing an incredibly depressing song about lonely people, it might be a little over-the-top. This kid knows his place and his sweet spot. A-minus

Brooke – A close second for song choice. She can’t really be that sweet, can she? I’m betting that it wasn’t her singing voice that nailed down that nanny job, if you get my drift. If Rebecca deMornay had a sweet, talented little sister that didn’t boink Tom Cruise on a train or stab Annabella Sciorra and try to steal her daughter… this would be her. A

David Hernandez – Ugh. He has Menudo written all over him. Wimpy, pop voice with absolutely no radio appeal. He’ll end up on Broadway singing in Phantom or something. In fact, I’d be willing to bet if he makes it through this week (not a sure thing) and ever gets the chance, he’d sing “Music of the Night”. D

Amanda Overmyer – Leather Tuscadero after smoking two packs of Camels. Yeah, I get it, she’s a rocker. The problem is She. Can’t. SING. I’d love to hear her struggle during Kiri Te Kanawa week or even Diana Ross week. The funny thing is… I was looking at her face and decided that she might actually look like a normal person with normal hair. She might even be cute. Unfortunately for the world, she isn’t. C

Michael Johns – The more they interview the guy, the more he comes off as an pompous Aussie dickweed. [Note: he doesn’t know shit about tennis, it was just an excuse for him to wear shorts] He was lucky to be sandwiched between Elsa Lanchester and Jessica Simpson, it made his relatively innocuous singing almost seem good. Again, he’ll make it farther than he should because of the shallowness of the American female voter. B-minus

Kristy Lee Cook – Pretty, fresh-faced, and utterly talentless. Country Music draws marginally talented blondes like Hip-Hop Music draws marginally talented African-Americans. John was spinning in his grave at 78rpm when he heard this Hee-Haw version of “Eight days a week”. If she makes it to next week, it’ll be because of teenaged boys. I know of at least one who voted for her. F

David Archuleta – Oh dear, what shall we do now? The “Golden Boy” has fucked up the words… to a BEATLES song… that was covered by Stevie. Oh, I know what we’ll do, we’ll ignore it like Paula did. If this was the first show you watched, you’d think this guy would be one of the first people eliminated. This is the boy’s Mulligan. One more like this, and he won’t be safe. He’s only safe this week because of Kristy’s abomination and David H’s preening. D+

Try OddsMaker.com

noreply@blogger.com (ToddCommish) — Tue, 26 Feb 2008 05:47:00 +0000

Just a quick little shout-out to my new friends at OddsMaker.Com. They sent me some FREE money a couple of months ago, and I just cashed out for 4x the original gift.

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So today I pop back on, asking my online Customer Service friends how close I was to my 200 raked hands. I was only 30 or so hands away. So I won 200 BBs in 170 hands. Not bad... The juicy .25/.50 was full (only one table at each denomination, the perils of being a small fish pond), so I sat at .10/.20 PL-Omaha-8 and played about 60 or so hands and won another $20, so my account is now around $270.

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noreply@blogger.com (ToddCommish) — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 18:32:00 +0000

Everyone (or at least every sportswriter and blogger) has some sort of winner and loser list from the Super Bowl; the most obvious winner being Eli Manning and the most obvious loser being Tom Brady. But here are some other winners and losers that might not get the ESPN camera time:

Winner: David Tyree – Honestly, I’d never heard of the guy before yesterday, yet he came up with a touchdown catch (on a perfectly thrown slant by Eli) and one of the greatest jump-off-the-couch, how-the-hell-did-he-do-that catches in NFL history.

Loser: Jeremy Shockey – The trash-talking tattooed tight end (how’s that for alliteration?) wasn’t missed at all during this game with Tyree and Kevin Boss making the big catches that Shockey never seems to make. He might become trade bait to some team in search of a loudmouthed ass who picks fights, like the Raiders.

Winner: Wes Welker – My god, this guy is good. Making all kinds of catches over the middle, bubble screens, slants, you name it, he caught it. Should’ve been the MVP if the Patriots won, he took some vicious shots, got up, dusted himself off, and jogged back to the huddle. Just like a professional should.

Loser: Tiki Barber – For talking crap about Eli Manning before the season, for questioning the authority of Tom Coughlin for the last few seasons, for selling his soul to network analysis by burning his bridges with the Giants, Tiki proved himself to be a selfish malcontent (and lousy analyst), and possibly the reason for the Giants failures. Without the “star” running back, the Giants played cohesive team football and won the Super Bowl.

BIG LOSER: Junior Seau – This was to be the crowning moment of his career. The aging warrior, past his prime, trying to grab a Super Bowl ring in his swan song… he only had two more tackles than I did sitting on my couch eating pizza and Ruffles, and about as much impact on the game. Junior Seau, you are NO Hacksaw Reynolds.

Winner: Mike Carey – The referee of a well-officiated game shouldn’t be noticed. Aside from Carey’s dramatic pauses and emphatic arm motions, the entire crew did a great job. And on the 12-men on the punt replay challenge, most officiating crews allow a guy to run off the field as long as he’s not part of the play. Belichick just had the benefit of more cameras to see it. And how would history be different if Carey had a quick whistle when Eli was “in the grasp”? Good game, sir.

Loser: That internet firm with the racially insensitive ads – I don’t even remember who the company was, and I’m not going to give them publicity regardless, but they had some tacky animated ads with an Indian salesman sounding very Apu-ish and an Asian entrepreneur sounding very Miyagi-ish. Come on, people, if you’re gonna spend eleventy billion dollars to buy time at the Super Bowl, make ads that don’t piss off potential customers.

Winners: The 1972 Dolphins, the 1985 Bears, the 1989 49ers, the 1984 49ers – In order, the ONLY undefeated season, the most dominant defensive team in NFL history, the most dominant offensive team in NFL history, and the BEST overall team in NFL history. No more crap about this Patriots team, who already had the taint of Spygate hanging over their heads, being the greatest team ever. Oh, and the ’72 Dolphins are probably the worst Super Bowl champs ever, but that’s a subject for another day.

Losers: All those pompous Bostonians who were pumping up their town as Titletown – OK, we get it. The Red Sox won the series. The Patriots had a great season. The Celtics are leading the East. BIG DEAL. When they actually all WIN during the same year, we’ll give you props. Until then, shut your bandwagon hopping, Sam Adams-swilling pie holes.

Winner: House – I love that show.

Loser: Ben Roethlisberger – Whatever Fox paid him for the American Idol ad, it wasn’t enough.

Winner: Football fans – A great game doesn’t need to be 31-28 or have spectacular long plays. This was the equivalent of a 2-1 pitchers’ duel with both sides struggling against inspired defenses. A great game.