I’m disgusted. And embarrassed.

I’ve been one of Barry Bonds’ staunchest defenders.

Now it looks like :
a. He’s a lying cheat who knowingly used steroids to bulk up
b. He’s a brainless patsy who trusted a dirtbag with his career and physical well-being
c. He’s a devious jerk who knows the phrases “plausible deniability” and “don’t ask, don’t tell”
d. All of the above
e. He’s being set up as the fall guy and there is a .000000001 chance he’s really clean

While his (curiously leaked) grand jury testimony appears to be the “smoking gun”, it still falls short of Giambi’s outright admission. Gary Sheffield’s interview with ESPN sounded almost identical to what Bonds said last year behind closed doors, leading me to believe that they are either telling the truth (they used steroids, but didn’t know it at the time) or that the responses are part of a scripted Plan B (“The player will disavow any knowledge of their actions”)

Clearly, Bonds’ records should be under scrutiny and/or disdain, just as McGwire’s and Sosa’s records should. The question is whether they should be “asterisked” or deleted altogether, should the allegations be proven. I’m one of the “Steroids don’t help you hit the ball” crowd, although I firmly believe that the McGwires and Bonds of the world surpass the Sosas and Albert Belles since the latter pair used illegal bats rather than juiced bodies.

But suppose, just suppose, that Sheffield and Bonds are telling the truth? Does that mitigate their guilt or just make them look stupid? I mean, the last fifty years are filled with cautionary tales about athletes and celebrities being lied to, misled, and cheated out of millions of dollars. We’re told that “They want to focus on their craft/sport/field, so they have to trust others”. To me, that’s a cop-out. Your body is your responsibility, your money and your future is your responsibility, your family and your legacy is your responsibility. People nowadays are too willing to give up self-responsibility.

Still, it remains to be seen whether some of the “leaked” testimony is just a Memogate waiting to happen. Did anyone else notice that these “leaks” come on the two days before the Victor Conte interview on 20/20? Gee, what a coincidence! The leaks are clearly timed to help publicize Conte’s “exclusive”, pointing the finger directly at Conte’s team as the source. I won’t watch the interview. I have neither the time or inclination to sit through a full hour of an interview when I can wait for the post-game analysis and get the juicy (no pun intended) bits in five minutes.

Marion Jones will be thrown under the bus, probably right alongside Tim Montgomery. It remains to be seen whether ANY of the interview will be about Bonds, Giambi, or Sheffield. There is still the remote possibility that Conte lied to Anderson and Anderson passed the lie to Bonds and the other ballplayers. Remote. At best. Until tonight, when I watch SportsCenter through my fingers, I’ll hope that Barry Bonds is proven to be just plain stupid.