Friday, September 16, 2005

The Commishs NFL Preview Show

The Commish’s NFL Preview show:  

Baltimore vs. Tennessee – Early favorite for Lowest Yardage game of the year.  I’ve heard a lot of announcers touting Anthony Wright as some sort of “difference maker”, like he’s the Vinnie Johnson of the NFL or something.  He’s Anthony fucking Wright, people.  He’s backing up Kyle Boller.  He’s NOT GOOD.  Ravens 13, Tennessee 7.

Detroit vs. Chicago – Now that Kyle Orton has one performance under his belt, ummm, we’ll see whether he becomes Jim McMahon (win with bad stats) or Jim Miller (lose with good stats) or Mike Tomczak (I just wanted to say “Mike Tomczak”).  Both teams are coming off good defensive performances against terrible teams (GB and Wash).  Too many weapons vs. no offensive weapons, Lions 24, Bears 9.

Minnesota vs. Cincinnati – How many people have said “Daunte can’t have two terrible games in a row”?  Why the hell not?  Here’s the key equation when considering Culpepper’s effectiveness drop from 2001 to now:
Nate Burleson + Marcus Robinson << Randy Moss + Cris Carter (even though he’s 50)
Cincinnati has a better offense than Tampa.  Cincy 27, Minnesota 20.

San Fran vs. Philly – Ouch.  A pissed-off Eagles team.  An enthusiastic 49er team.  Strangely enough, the 49ers would rather have a subpar McNabb play than a fresh Koy Detmer.  Look for Julian Peterson to shadow Westbrook man-to-man.  Eagles 20, 49ers 10

Buffalo vs. Tampa Bay – The Mediocre Bowl.  Winner goes 7-9 this year, the loser goes 6-10.  Winner 20, Loser 17.  Who the hell cares?

Jax vs. Indy – Naw, Indy doesn’t really have a defense, do they?  I’m guessing that Sunday’s performance was more a case of Baltimore’s inept offense.  Jax will light them up, but probably not enough to compete.  Colts 34, Jags 27

New England vs. Carolina – Super Bowl Preview, blah blah blah.  Watch Bellichick throw the kitchen sink at them, just to freak them out.  At least two trick plays from the Pats, one might even work.  Carolina matches up pretty well with a depleted defense.  Pats 23, Panthers 20.

Pittsburgh vs. Houston – So much for David Carr’s breakout year.  And considering the holes the Steeler line was opening, I could’ve had 100 yds.  Houston is a poor man’s Pittsburgh.  Solid ground game, fair passing game, solid defense, just not as good at any of it.  Bradshaws 27, Pastorinis 14

St. Louis vs. Arizona – I think the Rams are figuring out that they need to outscore their own coach.  It’s only a matter of time before Bulger is using bottle caps and matchsticks to call plays and ignore the instructions from Martz.  Arizona is, well, Arizona.  Rams 33, Cards 17

Atlanta vs. Seattle – Did you see the play where Vick ran between the Philly linebackers before they could even turn?  Did you see how many open receivers he missed?  He’s a rich man’s Kordell Stewart.  Field goal kicker will win this one late 26-23, toss a coin.

Miami vs. NY Jets – Ah, Marino to Duper and Clayton, Richard Todd to Al Toon, Wesley Walker, and Lam Jones.  1000 yds total offense.  A billion fantasy points used to ride on this matchup.  Now it’s Gus vs. Chad.  Dolphin fans, calm down.  It was the freakin’ Broncos you rolled.  J-E-T-S 30, Fins 17

Cleveland vs. Green Bay – Zzzzzz, oh I’m sorry, I dozed off.  OK, for those that weren’t paying attention, Trent Dilfer likes to throw deep.  Oddly enough, the Packers’ corners don’t like to cover deep.  That’ll make this one interesting because GB has tons more talent, but the Browns will hit a couple of BIG plays.  Pack 23, Browns 21

San Diego vs. Denver – Booooo, Boooooo, Booooooo.  Get used to hearing that this year, Bronc fans.  You’re gonna get worked.  LT rushes for 140 in 2.5 quarters.  Sproles mops up with 100 more.  Chargers 38, Broncos 16

Kansas City vs. Oakland – Over/under on felony assaults in the parking lot is 7.5.  That’s also the over/under on touchdowns in this one.  Chefs are gonna cook the Raidah D.  Chefs 37, Raidahs 27

NY Giants vs. New Orleans – Blah blah blah Wonderful story blah blah blah.  Funny thing is that the Giants seem to be more distracted than the Saints.  Eli will throw at least one endzone pick.  That’ll be enough…  Saints 19, Giants 16

Washington vs. Dallas – Seriously, why is this game on MNF?  It isn’t 1975 (Staubach/Kilmer), it isn’t even 1983 (White/Theeeesman), hell, it certainly isn’t 1991 (Aikman/Rypien).  This is the Re-tread Bowl, Drew Bledsoe vs. Mark Brunell.  Cowpokes 23, Skins 10.


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