Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Mrs. Donkeypuncher has a little foal in the chute. Those of us who have been through the whole kid process know that everything in life changes, not just at birth, but pretty much the day the stick turned blue.

1. Joke about it all you want, but no more jaunts off to Vegas or Trump-Indy on a whim. I’d say he has until July to use those frequent flyer miles on Vegas trips. If he doesn’t, he’ll be stuck giving them away to in-laws so they can fly in to see the baby.

2. One word… HORMONES. She’ll cry when DP gets rivered on a two-outer. She’ll cry during the FFL draft because someone else got Rex Grossman. She’ll cry when Ace gets voted off of Idol. And try as he might, he won’t be able to stem the flow.

3. Sell your stock in the strip clubs in the Chicago area. Mrs. DP will probably not feel like sanctioning strip club excursions while she feels like Mandisa is sitting on her bladder. And the inevitable “I wish men knew what it was like” and “This is your fault” lectures will be right behind. Besides, if it’s boobs he likes, the Boobie fairy should be showing up in a month or two.

4. All that poker money? Gone. It’s now “baby” money. He’ll be buying furniture with balloons and Disney posters. He’ll be buying strollers and car seats. He’ll be buying pastel colored one-sies and diapers.

5. Sleep deprivation. Two possibilities here. The kid sleeps through the night fairly regularly, which means the waking hours can be spent doing fairly routine tasks. Or the kid is colicky and doesn’t sleep. Paradoxically, this might mean more online poker for DP. “I’ll check on the baby, honey” followed by a quick SnG with baby bouncing on Daddy’s knee. Of course, he’ll be useless the other 23 hours of the day, but he’ll get his poker jones.

6. Maybe we should have a poker tournament (like Waffles) for the DP with the winner getting to name the baby! If I win, I'll pick "Barack" for a boy and "Oprah" for a girl.

7. Suppose the baby looks like Pauly? Would there be a Maury-hosted paternity test?

8. Lamaze is a waste of time. He should just practice yelling “BREATHE”.

9. Imagine passing a cantaloupe through an opening that felt tight around a banana. That would be like pissing out a golfball.

Treat her well, my friend. It’s the greatest adventure you will ever know!

4 Comments:

At 9:12 AM, Anonymous Maudie said...

Congratulations!

 
At 11:29 AM, Blogger Donkeypuncher said...

1. Trip to Vegas already planned for May. Possibly a WSOP trip in July. We've also thought about hiring an Eastern European or Asian nanny who will take trips to the homeland as payment.

2. There's a credit card commercial that sets her off. The one where the married couple ages, and ends with the old man teaching his grandchildren how to fish.

3. Chicago strip clubs suck anyway. I have a few weekend stories coming up.

4. In case Mrs DP reads your blog... Poker money is all gone. I lost it all. Yeah, that's it...

5. Between the morning sickness and frequent bathroom breaks, I'm already sleep deprived. I might consider sleeping in a Flintstones-inspired seperate bed.

6. The baby's name is going to be "Reagan National" whether it's a boy or girl.

7. The mailman kind of looks like Pauly. Scary.

8. Lamaze? We're talking heavy drugs. For both of us.

9. I'm big, like a can of Pepsi. This should be a piece of cake for her.

Thanks man.

-j

 
At 12:47 PM, Blogger Garthmeister J. said...

God bless the boobie fairy.

 
At 1:44 PM, Blogger Drizztdj said...

I've been enjoying the boobie fairy for the past 5 month.

It almost makes up for the mood swings.

 

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