Quick TV hits from this week –

· Props to the Bachelor for choosing the sweet, pretty kindergarten teacher over the unstable, she-devil with bigger cans. If he wanted a wife and life-partner, he made the right choice. If he wanted a Prozac-popping drama queen, he should have taken the spectacularly unstable Moana.

Seriously, Moana would have slit her wrists in the back of the limo if they had given her a knife. Better yet, she would’ve slit Travis’ throat, kicked his dying body, and then cried while his life ebbed out onto the stone floor, all the while saying “I loved you, dammit! All I asked was that you loved me back!”. Now that would be must-see TV.

· Good riddance to the end of the Olympics. No truth to the rumor that NBC still hasn’t shown some events and is holding them back for May sweeps. Hey, no problem, Dickhead Ebersol, none of us have the Internet anyway. So it’ll be a big surprise to see that Bode Miller finished behind some Swiss goatherder in the slalom.

· Speaking of dickheads, Bode Miller proved to be an epic assmunch. Oh, not because he skis while he’s drunk and not because he parties all night and not because he signed a huge endorsement deal just prior to shitting the bed. No, he’s an assmunch because he did it all on taxpayer money. We actually footed the bill for him to party-hop through Turin, and put up nothing but DNF in his races. It’s like he thought the Olympics were his version of “Bode gone wild”, rather than a taxpayer-financed athletic endeavor where he would be representing his country on the slopes, er, barstools.

· A big raspberry to the USA and Canada hockey teams for proving that selfish, whiny puckhogging doesn’t win in international play. And forget that crap about “they didn’t have time to play together”. The Swedes and the Finns seemed to know how to pass in the offensive zone. Time to go back to the college concept. Get Kurt Russell out there with a whistle and have the USA team run suicides… “Again!”

· How long until TO shows up on Dancing with the Stars?

· Shani Davis and Chad Hedrick. You were both lucky to get ANY airtime. You can go back to your lives where nobody gives a shit about either one of you clowns. Now put on your orange aprons and go load five bags of compost into my pickup.

· Why don’t the “male’ figure skaters just wear the rainbow tank tops and get it over with? I kept waiting for Letterman to drop some “Brokeback Ice Rink” references.

· Slalom skiing + tetherball poles = record viewership. Someone needs to make this happen.

· Kathleen Madigan (stand-up) had the best line about Olympic sports. “How can you lose in the biathlon? Ok, so you’re in last place… and you have a gun. What’s the problem?”