Some random things that piss me off:

Decaf in the morning - What the hell is the point! There’s this guy who gets to work at around the same time I do (800am). If I see him in the parking lot, I rush ahead of him to the elevators. If I see him in the hallway walking toward the kitchen, I run. Why? Because this assclown makes DECAF coffee! We have one of those three burner coffee systems with one brewing station and each pot takes about ten minutes to brew. So if he beats me to the station, I’ll have to WAIT for my morning coffee, which my wife will tell you is a bad thing. If you don’t want CAFFEINE in the morning, get the hell out of my way! Drink fucking hot chocolate or tea or something! Coffee has one purpose, to wake my sorry ass up so I don’t pass out at my desk.

Useless Little League dads – OK, so I understand that not all dads play baseball well, and not all dads know their catcher’s mitt from their batting gloves. But goddamit, get your ass out there and help! Hold the hitting stick, shag overthrows, police the kids that are screwing around. Don’t just sit there like a fucking lump! We all know that they’re shitty ballplayers and don’t want to embarrass themselves and their sons. We. Don’t. Care. Get out there and help the coaches! At least volunteer… If they don’t need you, they’ll tell you.

School projects that parents do instead of their kids – You should see this shit. They want us to believe that their little paste-eating tornado of hyperactivity hand-lettered the multi-staged science project that analyzes the chemical reaction of Cobalt and Cesium in a partial-vacuum. Bullshit. All you’re teaching your kid is how to take credit for someone else’s work, so they’ll grow up to be plagiarizing, bootlicking incompetents. Congratulations.

“Would you like the value meal?” or “Would you like some fries with that?” – Listen, you pimply faced dork, if I wanted a fucking value meal, I’d say “Give me the Value Meal. Since I didn’t, you can assume that I just want my goddamn burger!” It’s not like I’m an interplanetary immigrant who is learning the benefits of American fast food convenience order-placing.

Michelle Wie – Whoop-de-fucking-do. She made a cut in a men’s’ tournament. In a minor league men’s tournament. In a minor league men’s tournament in Korea. This is roughly like Manon Rheaume (who was much better looking, but I digress) playing minor league men’s hockey in the Philippines or something. She still hasn’t won a single trophy against WOMEN, and people are trumpeting her “accomplishment” because she made the cut against a bunch of 5’3” dry cleaners and gardeners. Now, if she can beat those dry cleaners and gardeners, that might be something. But in all likelihood, she’ll end up behind by double digits by the end and still call it “a victory”. Nice to have such incredible talent combined with an incredibly low bar for oneself.