American Idol Top 12

OK, so David Archuleta is cute. Or, as my 12-year old daughter says, “Soooooooo cuuuuuuuute!” He also sucked last night. Now that they’re down to 12, I can actually remember individual performances enough to blog about them (even without Tivo).

Syesha – When Ryan said she’d be singing “Got to get you into my life”, I turned to my wife and said “Watch, it’ll be the Earth, Wind, and Fire version.” Sure enough, it was… if you remove all the personality and energy of Philip Bailey. And did she think that we hadn’t heard that arrangement? C-minus

Cheesy-key/Jacuzzi – Best performance I’ve seen from him. All the energy and fun that Syesha should have had was here. But why is he dressed like Alfonso Ribeiro from “Fresh Prince”? B+

Ramiele – Bo-ring. Best line I read about her performance said she “Disney-princessed” her way through the song. I guarantee that she has a picture of Jasmine Trias in her room. The only saving grace is that the song is supposed to be a ballad, but weak choice to pick it nonetheless. C

Jason – OK, we get it. He’s “sensitive”. But despite Paula’s vicodin-slurred ramblings, he didn’t “connect” with the audience. Whether or not the little scratches and croaks are intentional or not, it ain’t singing…. It’s creaking. He sounded like Mr. Van Driessen singing “Touch a Mountain” on Beavis and Butthead. Show some range next time, you patchouli-scented hippie. C+

Carly – I’m just not on board with her. She’s got a decent voice, but she has those HIDEOUS tattoos (sorry, but I’m old school where tattoos = tainted woman) and those ghastly British fangs. Her version of “Come Together” was listenable though, just put on some freakin’ sleeves! B

David Cook – Last note aside, the best song choice out of the group. He still has a bit of a smirk when performing, which isn’t a horrible thing, but when singing an incredibly depressing song about lonely people, it might be a little over-the-top. This kid knows his place and his sweet spot. A-minus

Brooke – A close second for song choice. She can’t really be that sweet, can she? I’m betting that it wasn’t her singing voice that nailed down that nanny job, if you get my drift. If Rebecca deMornay had a sweet, talented little sister that didn’t boink Tom Cruise on a train or stab Annabella Sciorra and try to steal her daughter… this would be her. A

David Hernandez – Ugh. He has Menudo written all over him. Wimpy, pop voice with absolutely no radio appeal. He’ll end up on Broadway singing in Phantom or something. In fact, I’d be willing to bet if he makes it through this week (not a sure thing) and ever gets the chance, he’d sing “Music of the Night”. D

Amanda Overmyer – Leather Tuscadero after smoking two packs of Camels. Yeah, I get it, she’s a rocker. The problem is She. Can’t. SING. I’d love to hear her struggle during Kiri Te Kanawa week or even Diana Ross week. The funny thing is… I was looking at her face and decided that she might actually look like a normal person with normal hair. She might even be cute. Unfortunately for the world, she isn’t. C

Michael Johns – The more they interview the guy, the more he comes off as an pompous Aussie dickweed. [Note: he doesn’t know shit about tennis, it was just an excuse for him to wear shorts] He was lucky to be sandwiched between Elsa Lanchester and Jessica Simpson, it made his relatively innocuous singing almost seem good. Again, he’ll make it farther than he should because of the shallowness of the American female voter. B-minus

Kristy Lee Cook – Pretty, fresh-faced, and utterly talentless. Country Music draws marginally talented blondes like Hip-Hop Music draws marginally talented African-Americans. John was spinning in his grave at 78rpm when he heard this Hee-Haw version of “Eight days a week”. If she makes it to next week, it’ll be because of teenaged boys. I know of at least one who voted for her. F

David Archuleta – Oh dear, what shall we do now? The “Golden Boy” has fucked up the words… to a BEATLES song… that was covered by Stevie. Oh, I know what we’ll do, we’ll ignore it like Paula did. If this was the first show you watched, you’d think this guy would be one of the first people eliminated. This is the boy’s Mulligan. One more like this, and he won’t be safe. He’s only safe this week because of Kristy’s abomination and David H’s preening. D+