Wednesday, October 27, 2004

Not sure if I’m just in a pissy mood, but these are things that are bugging me:

- Bumper stickers – OK, I understand that you think your candidate is better, whether Bush or Kerry… But why have a bumper sticker? Do you think that it’ll inspire others to let you merge into their lane? (“Oh, that guy is for Kerry… I’ll let him cut in front”) Or do you think that it’ll impress other voters enough to sway them? (“Gee, that guy in the SUV is voting for Bush… I guess I will too”) Or do you think that it’ll be a convenient conversation starter to pick up chicks? (“I see that you’re voting for Nader. Let’s discuss his economic policies over a drink.”). More likely, it’ll have the exact opposite effect… ie., “Look at that asshole, figures he’d be a Kerry/Bush/Nader supporter”. Nonetheless, once the election is over, you’re stuck with either a bumper sticker that is outdated and antagonistic to half the population or you have a gluey, dirt-attracting residue in the shape of a bumper sticker permanently affixed to your chrome.

- Office restrooms – I work in a medium sized office building, basically a cube farm, and this has been bugging me for just about my entire working career. Why don’t people flush the fucking toilet when they’re done? I mean, we’re all professionals in this building, not suit and tie, but not exactly manual laborers either. When I take a dump, I flush once, twice, as many times as necessary to completely empty the tank of any visible fecal shrapnel. Others aren’t quite as courteous, leaving streaked toilet paper, floating remnants of their last few meals, and various other souvenirs of their midday visit. Why?!?!? The planet is over 2/3 water! Flush, flush again, and then flush some more. And flush one more time just to be sure. Then spray. For fuck’s sake, spray.

- And flush the damn urinals too. The handle is right there. Reach up, pull down, zip up, wash your hands, and leave. It’s pretty basic. Your piss stinks too. Get it out of there.

- Fast food drive-thru – If you don’t know what you want, you probably shouldn’t be in the drive-thru. It’s not like McDonalds, Carls Jr, Jack in the Box, or Burger King has entrees, side dishes, or appetizers that need explanation. Order a goddamn burger and get the hell out of my way. If you need time to think, get your pansy ass out of the line. When in doubt, just ask for Combo Meal #1. It all tastes the same anyway, and every joint makes their most popular meal the #1. Sheesh. Same goes for Starbucks. Just get your coffee and move along.

- Cell phones while driving – Put both hands on the wheel, use a headset, pay attention to the fucking road, you stupid dipwad. Has anyone else noticed that it’s the WORST drivers that seem to have disdained the hands-free cell phones? The same simplemindedness that keeps them from spending $20 on a device that makes them safer (headset) seems to make them incapable of realizing that they’re weaving all over the goddman road! Or that they’re drifting into your lane! Do me a favor, when your time comes, make sure that you solo your car into that freeway overpass, and don’t harm any innocent people who are actually paying attention to the road.

Whew, I feel better now.


At 12:14 PM, Blogger StudioGlyphic said...


God yes, please flush. And wash your hands afterwards, too. I have to touch that door handle, too, you know.

Cell phones

When I see someone meandering within his lane at 50mph on the freeway, I wish I were driving a Mack truck with a roll cage and 5 point harness so I could crush him.

At 1:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ha Ha Ha!! Too funny man. I love the office bathroom rant. I have to put up with the same at my workplace. Just found your blog, I like it alot so far and congrats on your 2nd place finish.



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