Thursday, August 17, 2006

I haven’t gone off on a rant lately and now seems like an opportune time with all that is going on in the world…

- Soooooo, it appears that they finally caught JonBenet’s killer after, what, TEN years?! I want you all to think about this scenario, and tell me if it passes the giggle test. Authorities catch some pervert red-handed (like videotape “red-handed”) killing some kid in a foreign country. He’s about to be castrated and/or viciously beaten in a Thai jail and fed lizard shit and crickets for the rest of his life. Some American agents come by and say “If you confess to about ten unsolved murder mysteries, we’ll fly you back to the US, and you can spend the rest of your life getting three square meals at San Quentin. Of course, you’ll be cornholed every day, but you get to keep your Johnson.” What would you do if you were the perv? Is this possible? Likely?

- No more fluids on an airplane. Fine. If we have reason to believe terrorists want to use my Crest and my Garnier Fructisse to blow up a plane, we should stop them from bringing the shit on board. I get that. But, why are we still letting Middle Easterners on planes? I’m pretty sure all terrorist plane hijackings in the last ten years or so have been done by Middle Easterners, toothpaste or not. Haven’t been many blonde, blue-eyed hijackers since, oh, EVER. Haven’t been many Japanese or Chinese hijackers either. Hmmm, this might be profiling, but why not just restrict the travel of THE SINGLE ETHNIC GROUP that is committing all of the midair violence!

- Let’s just say you created a special airline just for Middle Easterners… Jihad Airlines. Of course, others can fly on the airline too… if they choose. Meals will be traditional ethnic meals, no more Spanish Omelettes or Roast beef. Flight attendants will be properly burqa-ed. No carry-on luggage at all, every bag will be gate-checked. Each plane will equipped with a remote detonator just in case someone saw “World Trade Center” or “9/11” and felt nostalgic. Every non-Middle Eastern traveler can stay on American or United or Lufthansa or whatever airline and go back to the pre-9/11 security measures. Of course, this is an extreme example, but would anyone really have a problem with this?

- Think about it this way. If you have a dog run… you know, one of those open field areas where people let their pets run around and crap and piss and hump with impunity…, and there are multiple fights and several dogs get killed. Each time it happens, it’s a Pit Bull who does the killing (or a Pekingese or a Shar-Pei, stay focused!). Would you make every dog take out his teeth before they’re allowed in, or would you simply say “No Pit Bulls”?

- Congratulations, Floyd Landis. Not only did you piss on the entire bicycling community and basically kill the Tour de France forever, but now you’ve killed your father-in-law. Have a nice trip down to hell. Don’t forget to pack your lycra shorts for the trip.

- Considering they’ve busted just about every cyclist for doping and/or drugs except Pee-wee Herman (different crime), maybe I should enter the Tour de France next year. Oh, and how come they can catch all these bicyclists, but there still aren’t any positive drug screens on Barry Bonds? His blood has been tested, they’re shooting for perjury charges now because they’re hoping that testimony from others will outweigh Bonds’ claims of innocence. Apparently, they have NO physical evidence on him.

- What’s the over/under on a Jamie Gold movie? Two months? Three? I can’t imagine a Hollywood sleazebag wouldn’t already be talking deal with the studios.

- It’s that time of year again. I dragged out the 49er highlight videos (yeah, I said “videos”… I’m old) from 1984, 1988, 1989, and 1994 to show my son what things were like when the 49ers were the best fucking team in the world, and not the collection of discards and never-were’s they are today. I pointed to the artistry of Joe Montana (GOD), the athleticism of Steve Young, the grace of Jerry Rice (pre-Dancing with the Stars), the violence of Ronnie Lott. Being a product of a cynical father, he said “Well, yeah, they look good, Dad. It’s a HIGHLIGHT tape.”

I’m planning to show him a tape of the 1985 Super Bowl where the 49ers dismantled the Marino-led Dolphins. Most of the pre-game show was dedicated to Marino and the Marks (Clayton and Duper). Most of the game was dedicated to Montana, Clark, Craig, and the defense. It was probably as dominating a performance you’ll see between two “evenly matched” Super Bowl teams. Even the 49er blowout of the Broncos was predicted by many. Super Bowl XIX was supposed to be a shootout, but only one team brought a gun. Maybe then he’ll appreciate why the 1984 team was probably the best 49er team ever and one of the top five NFL teams ever.


At 10:49 AM, Blogger Drizztdj said...

If Rathman was on the 84' squad they would have shoved those champagne flutes up the 72' Dolphins asses.

At 4:53 PM, Blogger shag773 said...

You can show your son every game from the best team in NFL history, on ebay, all 19 games of the Chicago bears season from '85...And if you need physical evidence that Bonds has taken steroids, pick up a Barry Bonds baseball card from '91 and '06. Either he had a cinderblock surgically inserted into his head, or he was doing steriods. Baseball's steroid testing was a joke before 2004. If he is so innocent, why won't his trainer testify?

At 11:40 AM, Blogger ToddCommish said...

If you want to say the best DEFENSE ever, you might have a point. But Payton was the only offensive player that could have made the 1984 49er roster. McMahon? Please. McKinnon and Gentry? Awful.

At 3:06 PM, Blogger shag773 said...

McMahon would beat out Matt Cavanaugh, and Willie Gault might have beaten out Ronaldo Niemiah (is that right?) for the fourth reciever spot....Okay thats pushing

At 9:46 AM, Blogger CarmenSinCity said...

I love the jihad airlines idea. Where's the petition for me to sign?


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