Some of my reactions to recent news:

· Regarding Rafael “Limp Dick” Palmeiro, just one word... D-UH. I mean, why the hell do you think he needed Viagra? His “little slugger” was likely so shriveled from Jose Canseco’s traveling hypodermic show that his wife was probably begging him to wrap his hand around his unit, just so she could feel it going in.

· And how many others flashed back to Clinton’s “I’m gonna say this one more time… I did NOT have sexual relations with that woman” during SportsCenter’s umpteenth replay of Palmeiro’s congressional performance?

· Another attractive female teacher has been busted for having sex with underage students (16 and 17), this time in New York. And this is a crime? Where the hell were these women when I went to school? Most of my teachers looked like freakin’ Aunt Harriet on Batman.

· The space shuttle crew has a frightening task tomorrow. Imagine being dangled by a fishing pole wearing a full football uniform including pads and helmet. Now imagine that you’re told to “gently” pull a tablecloth out from under a full table setting of crystal without breaking anything. OK, if that wasn’t hard enough, you’re orbiting the Earth at about a zillion miles an hour, and messing up the table setting means the fiery death of you and your comrades. Oh, and you don’t get to practice. You have to do it right the first time. Now… GO!

· It looks like the Brits have caught most of the terrorists that failed in their attempt to replay the subway bombings of last month. I hope they go RoboCop on these people. What? You don’t remember the beginning of RoboCop? The bad guys catch a cop and shoot off one hand and then the other. They shoot off one leg and then the other. Then they put a bullet right into his head. Of course, the dead comes back all bionicized and cybermacho as RoboCop, but that’s another story.